Web Hosting SuperDuper Valu-U Plan

Only 25 cents a month!

Now, we can host your ultra-high-bandwidth site (smutty sites welcome!) for less than the cost of a dead hamster each month. For only 25 cents*, we will host your site on a genuine "Sparq" ("It's the one with bite!") Super-DuperServer (600 MHz RISC, 4 GB RAM, 8 TB SCSI HD, OSF BSD 2.4, PCI, 100 Mbps FDDI, ETA 6:45, AAPL 25 3/8 (+5/8), LSD, PBJ, PMS, RTFM ASAP)! Better yet, our low flat-rate package allows you to transfer more than six thousand bytes a day without additional cost to you, the web-savvy user.

Sign up today, and we'll include a FREE login and password (a $25 value)! That's right! We know that a web-savvy individual such as yourself (you must have been an Internet guru to pick a name like "iluvllamas@aol.com") is waaaaaay too clever to get taken for a ride on something as important as this. So we take all the hassle out of webhosting, to give you more time to do important things, like complain about spam.

Bob in marketing just learned how to do HTML forms, so you can now fill out our on-line sign-up form and start your service through the SCHNELL.NET SUPER-DUPER VAL-U PLAN today!

Terms and Conditions

• $2.50 additional monthly fee for us plugging the server in.
  
• $3.75 additional monthly fee for us not unplugging the server whenever we feel like it.
  
• $4.25 additional fee per KB for monthly transfer over 6 KB.
  
• $9.00 additional fee every time you mention "Microsoft FrontPage."
  
• $12.00 additional fee each time we have to explain to you how to use Microsoft "Bob."
  
• $13.50 additional monthly fee for us not letting chickens roost in your spare drive bays.
  
• $15.00 additional fee per day we don't host a Quake tournament on your server.
  
• $23.00 additional fee per day we don't train the neighbor's German Shepherd that your server is a fire hydrant.
  
• $28.00 additional monthly fee for FTP or Telnet access.
  
• $34.95 additional monthly fee for us not setting up a cron job to change your server's name and IP address every twelve minutes.
  
• $46.00 additional monthly fee for us not plugging you into a 2400-baud AGIS dial-up.
  
• $50.00 additional monthly fee for tech support*. (*so that our tech staff will not call you "jackass sucker" and hang up as soon as you call)
  
• $55.00 additional fee each time we don't call you "dickweed" and flood ping you for the fun of it.
  
• $60.00 additional fee for us not answering the phone "Domino's Pizza!" and denying we have anything to do with webhosting.
  
• $65.00 additional fee per question asked.
  
• $85.00 additional fee per dumb question asked.
  
• $115.00 additional fee per actual answer given.
  
• $145.00 additional fee per answer given which is not "I dunno. It's probably something wrong with the computer or something."
  
• $165.00 additional fee each time we don't tell you "You should call up AOL and complain about busy signals. That should fix the problem."
  
• $200.00 additional fee for us not to answer your question in an obscure dialect of Mandarin Chinese.
  
• $350.00 additional fee each time we tell you to "cat hole_in_the_ground | grep "your_ass"
  
• $2,000.00 additional fee each time we don't drive over and beat the crap out of you for asking us stupid questions.