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SchnellNet Home
September 22, 1997

The Dial-Up Provider You Deserve
A wholly-owned subsidiary of SCHNELL.NET

Do y'all need nightcrawlers? Dry fly bait? The finest in fishing tackle and lures (including them there spinning orange thingys)? Internet dial-up access?

Well, pardner, you done come to the right place. Not only is "Ed's Bait, Tackle and Dial-Up" the pree-meer provider of salmon gear, we also have an Internet connection to a cross-country OC-48 backbone!

Best of all, you get yer Internet access for only 38 cents a month, plus a licensed copies of our BassMaster '95 software and a big ol' bucket of worms when you sign up.How can we provide such a pig-stompin', Bud-drinkin', NASCAR-watchin' hoot and holler of a great deal? It's 'cuz we're just good folks (not some city-slicker con artists), and we're a-dedicated to a-providin' you with the world's very best fishing rods, reels, lures, tackle and gear, plus that fancy-ass Internet crap.

The History of Ed's

Well, a few months ago, Ed was sittin' on his porch, and he said, "Hot day out, ain't it?" Then somebody said, "Yup." Then Ed said, "Betcha a tin of Skoal that Dale Earnhardt wins the Brickyard 400 on Sunday." Then somebody said, "No way! Ricky Rudd's a-gonna open a whole can of whup-ass on Dale Earnhardt!" Then everybody spat out their dip and had a few more beers.

Well, anyway, after a while, somebody says, "Hey, Ed, why don't you do dial-up Internet access like my Aunt Daisy Mae does from her trailer?" And Ed says, "Well, Hell, sure, why not?" That's pretty much it on the story.

Why It's So Damn Cheap

Mainly, it's just 'cause we're real good people, like we said before. We're offering you a rate of only 38 cents a month, with no strings attached, except that you have to pre-pay for 4 billion years (first month and setup total: $1,520,000,000.38) That's right! We think Internet access shouldn't be a month-to-month thing, it should be an heirloom, something you can pass on to your children, and your children's children, and so on until the Earth is a smoldering heap of cosmic detritus spinning meaninglessly off into the cold void of space.

The Ed's Dial-Up Package

With the Super Ed's package (only 38 cents a month!), you get:
  • Connection to a fully-redundant, multi-homed national OC-48 backbone (Ed has an AOL account that he logs you into)!
  • A licensed copy of BassMaster '95 (the browser that Ed's grandson Buck wrote in Logo in his spare time)!
  • Full compatibility with and technical support for Amiga OS/m68k and Unix v4 or lower for DEC PDP/11 systems (All other operating systems, platforms and crap extra)!
  • You can use a 56k modem (although Ed uses a 2400-baud that he found in the trash, and he sez he'll get one of them fancy-ass 9600 baud ones when the price comes down)!
  • Technical support from our expert staff (Somebody showed Bubba how to use that Microsoft "Bob" thing, and Skeeter once "ping"ed himself in the shower, and he walked funny for weeks after that)!
  • Over two different user names to choose from!
  • A big ol' bucket of worms!

So go right ahead and sign up on our on-line form, and get on that there Internet thing today!