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Conquistador Browser Software June 9, 1997
Conquistador™ Browser Software

Tired of the so-called "browser wars?" Ready to settle down with a browser that can satisfy all of your web-surfing needs, except graphics, tables and forms? Then you're ready for Conquistador.

Download and try today the hottest new tool for "surfing" the "Web," our "Conquistador" "Browser" "Software!"

Its great features include:

  • A blatant rip-off, line for line, of the code for the incredibly popular Lynx web browser!

  • Future versions may include support for cutting-edge technologies like graphics!

  • Fully-compatible with our own proprietary technologies, JabbaScript (the ONLY cross-platform language based on the Star Wars trilogy!) and InActiveHex!

  • Features new "Intermittent DNS!"

  • Feeling lonely? Nobody send you E-mail? Conquistador will notice if your mailbox is empty, and either sign you up for spam lists, or just mail you its own binaries!

  • Available in several colors! Send an original paint chip, and we can blend to match it!

  • Can send mail! Not E-mail, but postal mail! (optional stamp licker connects to parallel port)

  • Automatically adds typos and "emoticons" to your E-mail until other people want to kill you ;-)

  • New PermaCache stores files, preventing pesky pages from reloading - ever!

  • Available in smoking and non-smoking.

Download a free trial version of Conquistador 4.0 today! Choose from any of the following versions:

  • Conquistador 4.0 - Causes most hard disks to screech and burst into flames. Not recommended for users with computers which contain moving parts.

  • Conquistador 4.0b1 - Fixed bug which caused computers with sound cards to repeatedly call the user a "Cheese Dick."

  • Conquistador 4.0b2 - Fixed problems which caused incompatibility with computers which contained RAM.

  • Conquistador 4.0b3 - Eliminated feature which alerted users of new mail by emitting a piercing shriek that sterilized lab rats at 50 yards.

  • Conquistador 4.0b4 - Added new features, allowing users to send mail to people in other ZIP codes.

  • Conquistador 4.0b5 - Fixed bug which caused all newsgroup requests to resolve as alt.binaries.erotic.sheep.

  • Conquistador 4.0b6 - Eliminated feature which made the application giggle every time it processed an "I.P." request.

  • Conquistador 4.0b7 - Some code now native on non-TRS-80 machines; Increased access speed, decreased incidents of computer spitting its motherboard out in disgust.

  • Conquistador 4.0b7.5 - Fixed bug which caused application to send a message to "bitch-slap the TCP/IP stack" on most computers.

  • Conquistador 4.0b8 - Now supports keyboard input.

  • Conquistador 4.0b9 - Demo expires tomorrow afternoon at 2:30.

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